Janeway Goes to Hell
by IEatCats22
Summary: Janeway thinks she's finally brought Voyager home to Earth, but instead, finds them all facing judgement for their sins. (If you aren't Christian, you may still find something interesting in this story. Don't be close minded!)


**C**aptain jane way couldn't believe her shokck when she saw Earth infront of her on the view screen. They had done it. Admiral Janeway from the future had brung Voyager home!

"Set a course Mr. Paris," she said, "For home."

"Aye sir. I mean ma'am. I mean….captain?"

Tom took them to earth. Everyone on the bridge was exited to be going home at last. B'Lana stood holding her new baby daughter. Seven and Chukotay were smooching passionately. Tuvok was being Tuvok. The Doctor was beign bald. Harry Kim was being a dweeb.

Suddenly, Harry said, "hey B'Lanna, what are u and tom gonna name ur kid?"

B'lonae gasped. "Oh my god Tom, we don't have a name for our daughter!"

"What about ku'va'mok?" Tom joked.

"Fuck no." said B'Zuka.

"I could give her an Indian name," Chakotay suggested.

"Ooo yeah!" Harry bounced. "Name her Baloo! Or Bagira! Or Mowgli! Indian names rock!"

Chakotay smacked him.

"3 of 3." 7 of 9 suggested.

"Know what," B'Nana looked at her daughter lovingly. "Those names r all retarded. I think we'll call her Trinity."

"That's a good name!" tom said. "Woa!" he stared at the view screen in shock. "That doesn't' look much like earth, does it?"

Before them on the screen was a massive, red hot, glowing, planet of red hog magma, spouting lava from volcanoes. Demons with black winds flied across the sky. A little boy in an orange hood was being tormented by the deemons, while talking in a muffled voice.

"Where the fuck are we Paris?" Janeway demanded.

"How the fuck should I know," tom replied, "I'm a pilot not a navigator!"

"Chukotay where the fuck are we?"

"Fuck it cathryn, I'm your first officer, not a mind-reader!"

"Captain, I beilve I know where we are." Tuvok said. "my sen-sors indicate that we are in a realm where there are no lifeforsm, but immortal souls are tormented for eternity. The souls are too skinny for this to be Wisconsin, so the only other possibility is that we are in Hell."

"Hell?" Tom breathed. "Cool!"

Suddenly, the crew of voyager was beamed away from the ship, and appeared on an island of rock in the center of a lava voulcano. Before them stood…

"Tim Curry!?" Janeway bellowed.

Before them stood Tim Currey, the guy from Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Muppet Treasure Island, and all those other films. He was dressed in a pinstriped suit, with a flower on the chest.

"Yes!" Tim Curry exclaimed! "And yet, not so. For I am not really a human named Tim Curry. For I am Satan, master of Hell! Pricne of Darkness! What—you thought a mere mortal would play Dr. Frank N Furter in "Rocky Horror Picture Show?"? Only SATAN would star in THAT satanic movie.

And I have been assigned to puinsih all of you for your sins against god."

"Aren't we supposed to die before going to hell?" Chakotay said, in that sassy gay way he always replied to janeway's dumb ideas with, with a hand on his hip.

"Shut up tattoo boy!" Tim Curry shouted. "You're first! You worshiped your false, pagan, heathan gods the entire trip on voyager, praying to ur Great Spirit and swearing by the spirits! If u wish to save ur sole Indian, u will hand urself over to christ like a civilized…er…where the fuck was I going with this anyway."

"if I become a Christian," chuck pondered sarcastically, " can I keep my sexy tattoo?"

"No. but you can get a new one of Jesus."

"then fuck no."

"Shit."

"Hey," B'Lanna said, "Why is my baby in hell? What sins did she come up with?"

"Was she baptized?" Tim Curry asked.

"Of course!" B'Lona snapped. "I may not love my Clingon culture entirely, but I at least had the good sense to baptize my little girl in a pool of tribble's blood, under the name of kahless!"

"well, then, there you go." Tim Curry said. "That explains you and your boy-toy's being here in Hell also."

"What about me?" Harry demanded. "I went to church a few times, with my dad's side of the family."

"Indeed you did." Tim Curry admitted. "And you might have had ur soul saved Harry…unjtil you doomed it, by losing your virginity before u were married, to that alien hussy."

"Wat!" Harry screamed. "I got a disease for that! Wasn't that punishment enough?"

"7 of 9!" Tim curry bellowed at the ex drone.

"Don't tell me." Seven said. "My hussy catsuit—"

"No, your catsuit is fine. God loves boobs. But he does NOT love ATHIESTS! And I bet ur sky-spirit-worship stud muffing doesn't' either."

"I don't have a problem with it." Chakote shrugged. "I'm used to being the only one of my relgion onboard."

Tuvok spoke: "And I am here because..?"

"Your black."

"Ah."

The Doctor opend his mouth to ask, but Tim Curry stopped him by answering the question before it was spoken.

"You're bald."

"What about me?" Janeway demanded. "Why am I in hell?"

"Why?" Tim Curry threw his head back. "HA! U, Captain Janeay, are responsible for all these sins! U allowed paganism to run unchecked on ur ship! U failed to educate ur pet borg on the powers of Christ! You allowed the dweeb to have sex! Only ONE person on your ship lived purely, only ONE of you shall see the gates of heaven!"

"Oh no…" tom rubbed his forehead. "I can't even…"

Gold heavenly light spilled from the sky, as a figure decended in a white robe, gold wings, a gold halo, and a gold harp. The one and only shipmate of voyager who had made it to heaven.

It was….

NEELIX.

* * *

"_NAOMI GRESKRENDREKA WILDMAN!" _

Naomi jumped in her computer chair and spun around. "Mom!"

Samantha Wildman held up a PADD. "What the hell have you been doing for the last hour? It certainly doesn't look like you've been practicing your _haf-tora_!"

"Come on mom, I'm not even thirteen yet, and we're not even that Jewish—"

"You're thirteen in Ktarian years. You should have been rehearsing your haf-tora, instead of working on a story…" Sam's eyes scanned the computer screen. "My god Naomi, are you spelling horribly on purpose?"

"Well yeah. You're supposed to, in Troll Fics."

"… 'Troll…fics?'"

Naomi nodded timidly. "Troll Fics."

Sam stared at her daughter. "Practice your haf-tora."

"Okay." Noami said quickly.

THE END.


End file.
